Monday, April 27, 2009

Grand Children and Discipline

Oldest Daughter and Grand daughter
Shannon and Madaline

Both Grand daughters
Maddie and Kara

Daughters and Granddaughters
Shannon, Natalie, Maddie and Kara

Yesterday was my granddaughter's first communion. There is a divorce that has taken place with my oldest daughter. So it was uncomfortable and some bad feelings between both families
We got Thu the event without much trouble.
Our family went back to my daughters for late lunch. During dinner part of us where eating
in the kitchen great room and some where in the dinning room. It was beautiful weather yesterday and great for being out doors.

During lunch our six year old, 4 year old and 10 year old where running around the couch, into the kitchen and back around into the great room. On their way back to the great room they would dive over the couch. And the six year old would stand on the couch and jump to the ottoman. I told them to stop and go out side if they wanted to run and play. I don't allow
this kind of action to happen in my home and correct them accordingly.

I told them three times to stop. On the last attempt to get them to stop I chased the six year old into the dinning room to where his mother was (my oldest daughter). My youngest daughter interrupted me while telling my daughter what was taken place. My youngest daughter told me that the parent should do the discipline and not the grandparent. I was furious. I disagree with them and I told them so.

I called my youngest daughter to talk to her about what she had said and told her that I disagreed with her and that not only one of the children but more could have been seriously hurt during the running and jumping. This is the second time that I have had this conversation with her. So today my oldest called and said she would also discipline her children; well it never happens. This children are spoiled and I don't agree that only the parent should discipline them.

I love my grand children dearly with all my heart and we spoil them rotten our selves.
Today I wrote my daughters a letter and told them that I disagree with their decisions so I would not be watching the children anymore. I am so hurt over this that they would make this
decision; I refuse to let my grandchildren act this way when I am around. They are not bad children but do need to be discipline at times. I am really shock over this decision and this is the second time this has come up. I have had to discipline them at my home about jumping on
the beds and couch. One grand son put a hole in my work out room downstairs and I told his mother and she took him to my husband and made him apologize over it.
As a grand parent what do you do. I am afraid that they will get hurt if you just let them go and I never let my girls act that way at home or anyones home I want to hear from you young ladies too. If anything I try to over protect them. Both daughters where not raised this way and
it really hurts my feelings.
All you grandparents I want to hear from you; how do you approach this problem. I have
five beautiful grand children. My daughter who told me this, it wasn't even her home!
I love my girls but I feel very strong about his kind of behavior from children.



Gina @ The Shabby Chic Cottage said...

My mother never wants to discipline my girls when they are at her house, but I tell her "just do it!" She had no qualms about discipling me, but she hates to do it to my kids. I think WHOEVER is left in charge with them should be the one to discipline them. Babysitters, aunts, uncles, even older siblings to a degree. If young children do not know who is in charge, they will try their best to get away with whatever possible.

I am sorry for you that you cannot keep your grandchildren due to the conflict. Trust me, I know all too well what it is like to be kept away from a grandbaby.

Helen said...

My dear Blossom .... As a grandmother of two, ages 12.5 (boy) and just 16 (girl)I have had a few of the experiences you described today. I feel your frustration, your hurt feelings and your pain regarding both daughters and children.

I will say that you are not wrong in setting the rules for behavior in your home ... your daughters should thank you for doing that ... not pull in the opposite direction. As much as it might hurt, create some time and distance between you until they understand the serious nature of the situation ... your grandchildren will miss seeing you, but at their ages they need to learn there are consequences to their actions. Your daughters are old enough to 'get it.'

We have had divorce in our family too - painfully. This turmoil doesn't give everyone free reign to run wild.
I support you and am thinking about you.

"Blossom" said...

I chose not to watch them due to the fact that they don't want me to discipline them. But I will not tolerate them destroying my home or being disrespectful and not paying attention when I tell them to do something. They are pretty good kids but they do get out of hand at times and they should know that there are rules. My girls and husband holler alot and I don't believe in that. I don't believe in spanking them but they need to stop doing what could harm them or something that they shouldn't be doing. I don't want that responsibility of one of them getting hurt or waiting until the parent gets home. I stand firm on this issue; I wasn't raised this way and neither where my girls. I did a great job with them. Don't understand I'm really confused and shock by this issue.

xinex said...

Hi Anita, I am so sorry about the problems you are having about disciplining your grandchildren. I think you as grandparents would have an equal say in disciplining the grandkids, since I know you have the same intentions and that's for their own wellbeing. I spoil my grandkids too but I ground the older one (the little one is too little to understand) whenever she gets bratty. COngrats on Maddie's first communion. You have a beautiful family and hope you resolve the differences soon...Christine

Happy To Be said...

GM Anita, I am soory to hear about this problem...But girl if my grand kids can't respect my home or others I will jump on them first thing...I had my daughter also tell me about this and I pulled the tough love act with her..My home, My stuff, My rules, if you don't like it leave my the door you came through...I was raised with a Children should be seen...from my Mama and thats how I raised my Daughters also..When I had company my girls left the room...It was adult time..not their time..I never spanked my girls...didn't have to the "look" was enough to get their attention real fast...May you have a great day my friend...Hugs and smiles Gl♥ria

Anonymous said...

Anita I don't have daughters,and I understand that it is a bit different between mothers and daughters versus mothers and sons. But with my Son and Daughter in law, there has never been an issue with my granddaughters. Even if their parents are there, what Grammy and Grandpa say is the way it is. Their parents yell at them and we don't, so if they can see that I am annoyed, the girls really back down. I think that your daughters are out of line. Forgive me for saying so, but they are being disrespectful to you, and I think that you have every right to set the ground rules in your own home. I have no doubt that this will blow over quickly, but you have taken a positive step in setting the behavior boundaries. Good for you.

Denise said...

So sorry it has come to this, for you all. My daughter and son in law would never tell me to not discipline my 3 grandkids. I very seldom ever raise my voice, ever. And I do not spank, but there are other ways that I use to get them to listen to me. I'm sure that you can work through this with your children.


Tootsie said...

okay...I am not a granny...but I have three monsters. I think that when we go to someone else's house...we all need to follow the rules of that house. Now, my rules are pretty tight at home...we do not run around and wreck things and furniture is for sitting...It is MY responsiblilty to watch my gang, and keep them under control when we go somewhere else ....BUT if I should DROP THE PARENTING BALL....BY ALL MEANS LET THE KIDS KNOW! If anything instead of being so insulted...your girls should be thanking you that you love your grandchildren enough to help them learn to respect not only you...but the others in the house and the house itself!
Girl, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this on top of everything else....
My mom and dad will not bat an eye about disciplining my complete stranger should mind their own business....but family is family is family....and it takes a WHOLE family to raise good kids!
Do not back down honey... your girls will come around...and both they and your grandchildren will respect you for it!
I for one am proud of you!

Tootsie said...

forgot to can come and boss me and my gang around anytime!!! lol
you are a gentle soul and this will hopefully blow over for you very soon....
love you sweetie

Really Rainey said...

WOW, such a discipline dilemma!

I honestly think that you have every right to discipline your own grandchildren, especially in your own home! And especially if the parents are just standing around chatting while the kids run wild! Sorry, even if my daughter in law hates it, if she doesn't say anything while the 2 1/2 year old grandson jumps and runs on the sofa I do... I don't care. I won't have that wildness in my own home on my furniture.

HOWEVER... if its not my home and my grandkids were doing that and not minding me when I asked them the first time I would excuse myself find the parent (especially if it was my own daughter) and encourage them to deal with it.
Your in the right Blossom.. as much as this is a mess of hurt feelings... I hate to see your heart hurt so... I hope this mends quickly with apologies!...

Love and Light
~Really Rainey~

Mid-Atlantic Martha said...

I'm so sorry! Gosh - I think your daughters are just wrong wrong wrong! Children need to respect the discpline of their Grandparents too! They should be glad that in addition to "spoiling" them, you're also willing to teach them respect -- it's a lesson that will carry them well into adulthood and better learned early than later. I do hope they soon see the errors of their ways! You certainly don't need this right now!

Jill said...

Grandchildren or not they should have to follow the rules of your home while they are in it. It is their parents responsibility to enforce it while they are there and if they ignore their children and their behavior, you have every right to dicipline them. I never get upset with anyone for diciplining my children if I am occupied with something else... I am sorry your daughters made you feel this way. They are wrong for it.

Happy To Be said...

Anita...thank you for coming by and seeing me today...hope all is better in your world today...prayers coming your way my friend...hugs and smiles Gl♥ria

LdyDy said...

Blossom my heart goes out to you. I am a grandparent of a 5 year old. He and his mom (my daughter)have lived with us since he was 4 months old. (Divorce situation). I have always been her back up, as she has to work, and I've been his care taker until he started pre-school part time a couple of years ago. She has no problem with me disciplining him,and I don't spank him or anything like that. All I have to is speak firmly, or just give him my stern look and he pretty much listens. But let me tell you.. he can be a stubborn little boy at times, but I believe because he is smothered with so much love and affection, it helps to balance that little "dennis the menace" in him.LOL! The problem I mostly have are more between her and I. Mostly she thinks I critique her mothering skills too much...and this is something I have had to learn to stop doing. She is a good mom...maybe she doesn't do things the way I would, but I have to remind myself that she is his mommy not me. So I back down..and try to be the grandma. But, in my book..the grandma has a powerful position in the family mechanics..(at least that's the way it was when I was growing up and had a 2 grandmas!) No one ever talked back, disrespected or disobeyed my grandma's, and I guess that's how I believe it still should be. But with a little more added in...tons of love and spoiling! That's what I am to my grandson... and he know's it and he loves me and respects me and hugs me all the time. I know it's because my daughter backs me up in the "respecting your elders mentality". This helps alot. My daughters grew up respecting their they understand how things are. Although she and I butt heads now and then, it works when it comes to my grandson. Overall, she is a loving and respectful daughter just as I raised her...yet it can be a tight rope walk at time. I am sorry that you have to distance yourself from your grandchildren. That would tear me up. But I believe that your daughters are the ones that need to back you up here...or else they may face the same respect and discipline issues as their children get older! I hope things get better for you. I know grandchildren are the icing on the cake of life...your in my thoughts!!

Beth at Aunties said...

I have wondered how you are doing... So sorry about your mom.

The pictures are lovely! You have a beautiful family!

I am sorry you are going through this grandparent with love and yet firmness too.

I think we all have this issue to some extent and WE are too tired to keep up with them while they are here. We are expecting our 11th grandchild with the our oldest one barely 10 this month. They do bring us so much joy!
Yet, we are so dead tired when some of the families leave... with destruction left behind!
I have one family of grandchildren whose parents are so laxidaisical ( is that a made up word? spell checker can’t find it and we use it all the time!) about manners and discipline issues. At their other grandparents, their home is free range including standing and dancing on coffee tables and jumping on furniture. Food in places other than the kitchen and dining room etc. They had twice many children and grandchildren as we have. A nice home is not a priority to them.

Most of this is not allowed at our home! The parents just seem to sit, relax and let their child run wild though.
Mr B. built them their own play areas with a play house and activities and other places are to be respected. Even making forts and tents are allowed and other fun and normal children activities. Sometimes I will have a craft project for them to do.
Our own children were raised to respect furniture and our home.
Yet when we try to discipline them, Oh MY! ...we have had the same problem! We have been told their parents will do the discipline and we are to show forth only love and a soft place to fall.
These children are so happy and well adjusted and have some much confidence and do well in all areas of their life, of than how to treat and respect our home. Our question has been, what do we do?
SO....I have come to realize the bonds we build at these ages will last their whole lifetime. I want them to be strong and secure in our love and security.
So I needed to be creative and I have tried to distract them when they are not doing as asked and PRAISE them when they are being respectful of our home... Help them using a game to put away toys and clean up the yard before they leave. This has worked wonders!!!

I do have to remind them we are a shoe less home... Sometimes I wonder if we have too many rules, but then it is our home! We raised great children. And hopefully wonderful grandchildren.
I feel so much for what you are doing through. Good luck! Let me know your successes!


Chari said...

Hello Anita...

My friend, I was heartbroke for you as I read your post...I can hear the frustration and hurt in your words...I'm so sorry for the confrontation between you and your daughters! But in my opinion (and I have 3 daughters and 10 I'm a bit experienced!) I encourage you to "stick to your guns"!!! And you know doesn't matter how old our children get...we are still the parent and in charge of teaching them...right? RIGHT! This sounds like another lesson that you are teaching your daughters! It may be uncomfortable for awhile but I can almost guarantee you that, with time, it will get better!!! And pray, Sweetie! I'll be praying along with you! Prayer changes things...the Lord can speak to and touch hearts so much better than we can!!! I think you are right in your in this situation...just holdfast!!! It's the "right thing" to want your grandchildren to respect other's property...and not just yours! Well...I suppose that many of us could get up on a soapbox about this issue! Bottom line...I encourage you to hold fast to your beliefs on this...and as mama, you're still teaching your daughters the difference between right and wrong!!! It'll work out, Sweetie! I'll sure be praying for you and your family!!!

Warmest wishes,

"Blossom" said...

I thank all of you ladies, grandmothers and mothers. I have had a difficult time with this situation. I will continue to guide my grandchildren hopefully in the right direction.
If it means making them listen to the things that are allowed or not allowed I will still voice my opinion. I don't mean to ignore my girls but I refuse to let my grand children act this way. My husband said last night just say what you mean after our girls turned out to be very respectful to others. So I settled on this issue and I will have to done what I think is best for my grand children and I.
My girls, will just have to deal with it.

Happy To Be said...

GM my friend...hope all is going better in your world today...Thanks so much for coming by and seeing me..prayers coming your way...may you have a great day my friend...hugs and smiles Gl♥ria

Anonymous said...

Divorce or no divorce... there is never an excuse for children being rude in another person's home...

Your daughters need to stop being lazy about this issue and discipline their children or allow you to do so. Sounds like simple laziness on their part to just sit there and do nothing about the jumping over the furniture.

I am a grandmother and when in my home my rules apply to the grandchildren, or their parents may leave them at home. Simple as that.

You can always tell a good parent by what kind of manners the children have.

The Blue Ridge Gal

seanymph said...

Those children are disrespecting you and your house. Now they are children and have to learn that. But obviously your daughters arent teaching that so its up to you. You need to tell your daughters that by allowing this, they are all disrespecting gramma, and an elder who has earned that right.

I however would keep letting them come to my house and use that as an excuse to teach them all the right way. My grandson and his dad lived with me awhile and we had a few small issues with that. But he learned quickly, my house my rules unless dad is here. But if dad didnt do anything, they both got it!

Anonymous said...

Blossom, I have just discovered your blog and have enjoyed it so much. I have a 5 year old grandson and I understand what you are saying . Please resolve this with your daughter soon. Those children grow so fast and you will miss so much not spending time with them.